A Perfect Christmas by Jose Mari Chan has always been close to my heart. This year, we sang it during our Christmas Carols or Kolęda in Polish at our church Christmas carol concert. It is a song filled with hope, longing, and the desire for love and togetherness.
This year, however, singing it felt different.
During rehearsals, I struggled to get through the song. Every lyric spoke directly to my heart, reminding me that for me, there is no longer a “perfect Christmas.” Not because of a lack of blessings but because someone I love deeply is missing. I lost my brother, and with him, a part of the Christmas I once knew.
Last Christmas, I longed for home and for family that felt so far away. This Christmas, the ache is deeper. It hurts to imagine the season without his presence, without his familiar greeting, without the simple but precious words, “Merry Christmas… I love you, Ate (big sister).” Those words now live quietly in my heart.
I am still grieving. There are moments when my heart aches deeply, longing for a hug I can no longer give or receive. In my humanity, I mourn what was lost. But in my faith, I hold on to what is eternal.
And yet, even with all the loss, I have also found peace peace in knowing that my brother is no longer struggling, no longer carrying the pain he once endured. I trust that he is now resting in God’s presence, reunited with my dad. I believe they are at peace, praying for us, watching over us especially over his children. This faith does not erase the pain, but it gently steadies my heart. It reminds me that love does not end with death; it is transformed by God’s grace.
I also believe that wherever he is now, he is still wishing me the best Christmas, ending it the way he always did with an “I love you.” This belief was especially close to my heart when he appeared in my dreams on the second day of Christmas a quiet reminder that love remains, even beyond this life.
Though I can no longer see my brother or hear his voice, I carry him with me in my prayers, in my memories, and in my heart. God reminds me that He is present in my grief, near in my sorrow, and faithful in every season.
I may never experience a “perfect” Christmas again by the world’s standards. But I am learning that a Christmas filled with faith, love, remembrance, and hope is still holy.
I love my brother deeply, and I trust that one day, by God’s promise, we will meet again. Until then, I walk forward with faith entrusting my grief to God and holding on to the hope of eternal life.
much love,
xo
Ai
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