Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Sickness is a test of faith

Wednesday, February 23, 2011
As i am writing this, i  really do not feel good. really not!
Last Sunday, i felt i think the most painful thing over my tummy down the pelvic abdominal area. It has been going on like this for sometime now. Been to three doctors asking for answer why i felt somethign different in my tummy.  We thought it is just a minor thing.
But last Monday, we found out why. I needed a major operation because there is a big cyst in my left ovary. I really know something different going on with my body. Now, i got the answer. 

I have this cyst since I was single. then before it was a different story , it was the right ovary. I was not operated then coz it just dissolved by itself.  I call it then a little miracle happening to me. Since, the good Lord really knows well I am so afraid of operation and something to do with slicing my body. I am afraid of anesthesia thinking i might not wake up again.  

A lot of things going on with my mind when my doctor is checking on me. But during the sonogram, i saw right before my eyes how big it is. before my doctor told me so, i know it is something serious.  He talked to my husband in Polish. I understand some but not all. So, i butt in to their conversation. askign what is exactly happening. Husband told me he will explain to me all later. Though i understand that they are discussing something about operation and how it should be. 

My mind numb.  Tears started to fall down my cheeks.  I do not know what to ask and how to react. Knowing i would be operated is somethign serious.  

And eventually i asked, so when will i be operated?  Doctor, answered me straight that as soon as possible.  

So we went to the car. 

Driving all the way home was a crazy drama . I cried my hearts out while hubby is holding my hands assuring me that everything will be ok. We have to accept it even if it is really scary. I just utter the word to him with matching sobbing ' i am too afraid to be operated'.  A lot of things going on with my mind. What would be with my children? who will look after them? since they are not used to be with other people. I am a hands on mom and sothey are used to be just with me.  What would be after the operation? will everything will still be ok?  So many negative thoughts run into my mind. When we get home, i immediately hug my little girl and cry on her shoulder. My innocent one just hugged me too so tight and said ' don't dry mama'. it melts my heart and assured me that yeah everything will be ok. I will be alright, they will be alright. 

Monday and tuesday was just filled with drama in the house. Close friends pouring in their thoughts and supporting words in the email., chatted with me and console me that everything will be ok and that I just have to put everything on God's hand. 

I could feel my parents worriness too. We cried over the chatroom because they pity me . they thought it is all gone but now it's all coming back.  I assured them that not to worry with me. That i will be alright and that i have accepted the fact that i will be operated, and that to pray for me more for the success of my operation and there would be no complications along the way and after teh operation.

Today, i calm down a bit. I laugh and smile again . condition my mind to free from worries. I needed it so to prepare myself for the coming operation on March 8. Yeah, on the 8th of March is the day i will be operated .  

This is really a test of my faith.  I am confidence with God and my faith and never doubted God in anything and in everything.  I may hav e this sickness for a reason. So, i have to accept with all my heart.  

Life is really always full of surprises. We maybe healthy today, tomorrow not. We just have to be prepared.
I believe everything happens for a reason. sickness & problems are just ways of testing our faith to Him.

So now, I claim my healing in God's name.  

For now, i want to listen to music that would really quench my soul and free my mind from worries.  

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