Letting go of pain

Olafur Arnalds songs playing in the backgound...coffee is brewing....the weather is a mix of sunny and breezy. And, I feel like things are getting a bit too crazy right now. everything around me is rather too noisy, that I can't hardly think of myself, what to do and what to focus on.

In this quiet MOnday morning I am reminded that I need to let go of the clutter in my life.

The silence and the soothing music of Olafur Arnalds made me think of how wonderful to get some quiet time even for just some hours.

There are too many things in my life recently that stress me out, from emotional  to material - work, home, relationships, duties, family problems, friendship issues, painful experiences. these are things we have no control of but we must let go.

As for me, I must first Let go of  pain.

I used to think of myself as someone who doesn't get hurt, However, I am aware that pain is inevitable.

“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah

I've learned that, I create and maintain the problems because It gives that sort of identity in me. That the more I hold on to it and keep replaying past mistakes , allows me to have that feeling of shame and regret to shape my actions in the present. Tendency I cling to frustrations and worry much about what is coming - the future. That holds a lot of stress in my mind and body. That results to recent feeling of weakness and more health issues at present. Ajahn Chah's words lured us that letting go of pain may never be that simple yet every moment and chances is the best time to practice letting go and be peaceful. 

For me, to slowly let go of pain is to :

1. learn a new skill. Instead of dwelling of the skill you never mastered, learn a new trade or tricks instead.

2. Change you perception and concept with how you deal with things in life. - accept it as a blessing in disguise.

3. Cry it out - I only have few close best friends that I can really rely on and cry on, And I can be open to them with what I feel and with the pain I'm experiencing. It feels so great knowing someone knows what you feel, instead of judging you but telling you both sides of the coins. And, according to medical experts crying away your negative feelings releases harmful chemicals that build up in your body due to stress. So cry it out...don't be shy. After all we are all human. To be honest, I don't know anymore how many times I cry my hearts out to few very close friends, and I could feel they are a bit tired of my drama. (Hey!  you know who you are *wink)

4. Channel your discontentment into a something positive actions. Instead of lurking in your room crying and still feeling the pain, go out and try to look for some positive things to do like running, meeting friends over coffee, do voluntary woks or find a new job opportunities.

5. Pray, meditate and do yoga and other exercises. - Praying and being in my best mental self early morning is one factor that really gives me that positive vibes within the day. Doing and engaging in an active sports decreases stress hormones and releases happy ones - endorphins. It truly improves your state of mind and thinking.

6. Make a list of your accomplishments- no matter how simple it is, write it down, and add up things in your list everyday. I've learned that there are lots of things I 've accomplished lately that I neglect on recognizing. It was amazing and I feel so proud of myself.

7. Visualize a box in your head labeled it "expectations"  - Whenever you start dwelling on how things should have been or should be, try shelving them into this box of expectations.

8. Stay focus. Something that you can actually control rather than you can't. I know it is hard. I'm still struggling on this from time to time but yeah, just keep on doing.

9. Express your self to a creative outlet like writing , blogging or colouring, drawing, paintinga and DIY projects.   I always express my feelings through writing and doing creative things.  I always see to it I have notepad with me to jot down things i have in mind at once and what I thought about on things I've heard and seen.  It truly helps to focus and to stay positive.  It is like a visual reminder that you have actively chosen to let go of the feeling.

I know, these are things we already know.  but with all the distractions around us, we need to be reminded and stop holding on things that is unnecessary to keep us going to find peace and making pain bearable. After all, we only want happiness and peace, don't we?

(series of my notes of letting go......)

+RIP: Papa Rudy

1:20 AM - eyes wanting to close but still fully awake.wandering. in denial. confused. sad. angry. alone.

Feb. 27, 1958 the day my father was born.

Nov. 18, 2013 - around 11AM, he was taken away from me. 

It was around 07:00 AM (polish time) when I just woke up, switched my phone on. Received loads of messages telling me to call home right away for emergency. I haven't read all the messages yet then I found myself trembling, sobbing, shouting, weeping - emotionally lost and don't know what to do. Then, the next few messages and calls are more devastating.

My dad is dead.

end of the line for me.......i found myself weeping on the carpet floor, with two younger kids with me surprised and hugging me. totally don't understand what's going on. I shouted on the top of my lungs that this isn't true at all...that what I just read is a hoax.  That I'm just dreaming...a very bad dream that when I get back to sleep and wake up everything is pretty normal again...that nobody died, and nobody is gone forever.
It was the most painful and saddest day of my life. My daddy left me, and I am left with no choice. I was put in a circumstance where I have to bare the pain where I don't know when it stops.

He died of a motor vehicle accident in our place.  Very sad death..untimely and so tragic death.

I feel so bad, devastated, helpless, angry and guilty.  I wanted to recall the last conversation with my dad but none of his words registers to my mind nor his voice. How I wish I could have recorded all our conversations so I could listen to it over and over again, but I couldn't recall any. I don't want to call home for I'm afraid I could no longer hear his voice for he usually the one who would answer my calls. I'm totally in denial.

Then, today is his 3rd day away from us all. I am slowly trying to accept and digest everything. I've slept few hours last night, after hours of crying. I have eaten a rather complete meal after talking decently with my mom today without crying. I have packed my luggage for I have a long journey home not for a holiday but to face the reality that my dad can no longer greet me with his 100 watts smile and warm hugs. Instead in a white casket surrounded with flowers. That I don't know how to accept. 

circa 2005 - home Cebu, Philippines

My dad is a very cheerful man. He always wears a smile. And I'd like to remember him that way. His positive disposition in life, genuine treatment to everyone, hardworking and with a heart who's willing to help and serve.
 He's a true person to everyone.
He always reminds us to treat people right and put always a smile for it can make someones day complete despite/inspite the odds.
His laughter is contagious, a silly joker but sympathetic.
He's the sweetest lover I know. He still make breakfast, admire my mum's look and expressive in all ways. They are inseparable with my mom. and that worries me too, for it would be hard for my mom to face the next coming days without dad beside her.

A lot of my cousins and friends are envious of my relationship with my dad, for we are really that close. We could easily express to each other what we feel. He never criticized my actions nor  my decisions, instead he always encourages me to do my best and that he trusted me with what I would like be doing in life. He never fails to say I love you to everyone especially to my mum, to us his children and now to his grandchildren.
He always find time for you when you need help.

I don't know how to face tomorrow knowing he's no longer there.

I lost my number one fan. My avid supporter of all my achievements.

Nobody would tell me anymore ' Ai, don't forget to pray and look after your health first.'  Yes! he's a very prayerful man. A man with faith that can move mountains. I remember every time I feel pain because of some sickness, or that I'm nervous on something, he always put his hand on my head and prayed over me. To assure me that pain & fears will go away soon if you have that faith. I know, it's his assurance that everything will be fine that strengthens me. That reminds me too, that I just have to pray more for strength to face another day without him. That the faith my dad has is one factor I should consider to slowly accept that he's gone.

So soooo sad. It doesn't sink in yet to me that he's no longer here with us. Seriously, I'm still in total denial. Still convincing myself to truly accept...this is just a bad dream, not!  this is happening and it happened. We are left with no choice but to fully embrace the pain and move on slowly. In fact, this Saturday 23rd of Nov. would be a long journey home for me. I would be going home not on a holiday but on a trip to face the reality and say goodbye to my dad. Thinking about this makes me sick and tears overflowing like an endless waterfall. It would be hard journey for me. Then, I need to be tough for my mom and two brothers.  And honestly, I don't know where I would find that strength.
Someday and somehow I would truly understand and I would fully accept that my dad is nolonger there for me...he's gone forever!

A friend once told me there's no recipe on healing...it takes time. And with this, I want that time now. If only.

As I end this post today, the words from the book The five people you meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom ' All endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time....'  it has more meaning to me now.
 I may still don't fully digest everything what happened to my dad, but at least slowly I'm trying to accept his untimely death. 

Rest in peace Daddy Rudy. I truly miss you and you will be forever be in our hearts.  You left us so soon and I don't know why. I can't question God for this tragedy. Perhaps HE has great reason why. Someday we'll know. Know that you will always be my best friend, my boyfriend and for sure this time you'l;  know everything what I wanted to tell you. Please guide me along the way to slowly move on and accepts your death. Even though you can no longer hear this but I want you to know how much I love you so!  I know in time we will meet there in your great place in Heaven. Thank you for being a wonderful father to me and to my two brothers. For being there for us when we needed you the most. And for molding me as to who and what I am now today..... A woman with integrity, dignity and a big heart made of gold because you made me that way. If there is still that thing they called the second life, I would still choose you to be my father. 

I love you dad and I miss you so much . See you someday there in Heaven.

last dance with my father

 - Dance with my father - Luther Vandross
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
‘Cause I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again